The Salsa and the Cheese, Part I

My oldest daughter loves to shock me.  If she can say or do something to leave me speechless, she does it.  Usually, she does this by talking about feminine issues.  I'm constantly having to remind her that I'm in the room.  She knows this, of course, which is why she does it. 

A few years ago I decided to take her to a University of Tennessee football game.  Ever since she was a little girl, I always tried to take her on special dates.  I thought it would be special time for us.  You know, a chance to create some memories.  I guess I should have been more specific about the kind of memories I wanted to create.

As we walked into the stadium, she decided she needed to go to the restroom.  I waited patiently outside for a few minutes while she worked her way through the long line.  When she finally came out, she had a terrible look on her face.  Immediately, I asked her what was wrong.  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I just got my period, Daddy."  You got what???  I nearly started hyperventilating.  As a group of sympathetic ladies looked on, I finally stammered, "Umm...okay...I love you...okay...well...ummm...hold on a minute.  I need to call Kim."  At this eloquent response, I thought some of the compassionate onlookers might actually hug and comfort me.  Forget about my daughter, clearly I was the one is distress.  I can only imagine how pale I must have looked.  I finally got out my phone and started to call my wife, who I was suddenly pissed at for not being there when I needed her.  I mean, isn't she supposed to be the one who has to deal with these things?  I'm pretty sure that's in the marital contract somewhere.  My job is to pay for prom dresses and pretend that they will never love another man besides me.  Nowhere in the Daddy training manual is there a chapter on menstrual cycles.  Anyway, as I'm working through my irrational anger at Kim, Emily interrupts me.  "What?!", I snapped.  "I'm trying to call Kim and can't remember my own phone number."  She looks at me again, gives me an evil smile, and says "It's okay, Daddy, I was just kidding.  Wanna get a hot dog?"