"Rick, let's go to Chik-Fil-A"

"Rick, let's go to Chik-Fil-A"

I had only been at AMS for a couple months when my boss said those words to me. It was my first class as one of the senior training officers and I was going at it full throttle. In the immortal words of Nuke Laloosh, I wanted to announce my presence with authority. Need a decision made, I was your man. Need somebody's butt chewed, I got it. Want to make a random, midstream change to the training, I can do that too. I was the very very definition of dynamic subordinancy. I was saving my boss from having to make virtually any important decisions. In short, I was handling things.

So when the boss man suggested we go to lunch at Chik-Fil-A, I was like SWEET! I love Chik-Fil-A. I mean, when the Bible talks about God providing manna from Heaven I always assumed it was a Chik-Fil-A combo and a piece of cheesecake. And for the commander to suggest we go there, I figured I must be kicking butt and taking names. You see, my commander was not the kind of guy to just take you to lunch. Whenever he would open his wallet, you could always count on two things--dust flying out and him tearing up a little. Seriously, his wallet would creak like a door that hardly ever gets opened. Naturally, I was pretty stoked that I had impressed him enough to take me to lunch. And then it all fell apart.

First off, he didn't pay. A setback but not the end of the world. I just assumed he couldn't get the chastity belt off his wallet. Then we sat down and had some polite, if somewhat forced, conversation. At this point, I still didn't know the commander all that well and had not picked up on his "tells". I did, however, notice that he seemed to be blinking for a long, long time as he shifted the focus to work. Again, odd but who doesn't have some idiosyncracies? Little did I know that that longer the blinks, the worse the news for me. When he finally opened his eyes, he started giving me, as he would phrase it, a stern talking to. He reminded me in no uncertain terms that HE was the commander and quite capable of making his own decisions. He also let me know that the program had survived without me before and could do so again so maybe I should pull it back just a bit. I was pretty stunned but said all the right things while thinking all the wrong ones. The lunch ended and we drove back in relative peace. On a side note, I do remember thinking, I hope he doesn't get mad while he's driving and blink like that. That's gotta be dangerous.

Well, life went on. I toned it down...sorta. Then a few weeks later, he suggested we go to Chik-Fil-A again. When he did, I had that nagging thought in the back of my head, "I wonder if I'm about to get my butt chewed again?" I quickly dismissed it. It's not like I'm in Jerry Maguire and he's taking me to a public place so I can't cause a scene, right? Right? Wrong! It happened again. Lots of blinking and long pauses, more "feedback" for me. Just great.

After that I was like one of Pavlov's dogs. Every time he suggested we go to Chik-Fil-A, I would brace myself. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until one day my lovely wife suggested we go to Chik-Fil-A for lunch and I absolutely panicked. I started begging her, "Please don't leave me. Whatever it is, I'll change. I swear, I'll be a better husband just give me another chance. PLEASE!" And to this day, I still get a little nervous when someone asks me if I want to go to Chik-Fil-A. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for turning my manna into mania.

In honor of my good buddy who is leaving us soon, I decided to compile his greatest hits.  Just know that this is the Reader’s Digest version.  He’ll most likely get an entire chapter in my book.

So, at virtually every official function in the military there is a POW/MIA/KIA ceremony.  It’s a very somber event where lights are turned down and taps is played at the end.  Its effectiveness largely depends on the narrator’s ability to inject the proper feeling into it.  Here’s a sample of it:

-          The table set is small—symbolizing the frailty of one prisoner alone against his oppressors…REMEMBER

 

-          The tablecloth is white—symbolizing the purity of their intentions to respond to their county’s call to arms…REMEMBER

Well, like I said, this is usually done at formal events.  However, we were doing wake-up one class and my buddy took it to a whole new level.  After kicking on doors and waking officer candidates up at 0445, the flight commander gives a short speech where he introduces himself, the staff that is with him, and lays out his expectations.  Well, without realizing it, he breaks into the POW/MIA ceremony.  It went something like this:

-          “I’m Capt X,  your flight commander for the next six weeks…(dramatic pause) REMEMBER!” 

-          “With me is Maj Kallstrom, the Director of Operations…(dramatic pause) REMEMBER!”

And on and on it went.  It was the second funniest thing I’ve ever seen at a wake-up.  The first is a whole separate blog. The best part was that it was completely unintentional. But to his credit, at least he nailed it.

Capt, now Maj X, is also notorious for ripping off classic one-liners. Here’s a sampling:

-          After his flight came in last in an Air force knowledge challenge, he lifted their spirits by saying “Way to represent, Losers.  Enjoy your MREs.” 

-          To a student who’s hat stuck off the front of his head a good couple inches, he quipped “Your hat looks like a canoe on top of a Volkswagen.” 

-          After asking a trainee who he was rooting for in the NCAA basketball tournament and the student replying that he didn’t watch basketball, he offered up this jewel: “I bet you can play some Warcraft, huh?” 

-          While marching his flight and not being happy with the formation, “You’re as crooked a dog’s hind leg.”

This next one I posted in a previous blog but it’s worth repeating.  This occurred during an actual interview for a senior position on the AMS staff.

-          Question- “Why should we hire you?” 

-          Answer: He leaned forward, got an intense look on his face, pointed at the board president, and boomed “Because I’m ready to lead today!!!  I don’t need to be trained!  I don’t need to spun up!  I’m ready to lead today!”

-   Seriously, the intensity and force he spoke with was shocking. You got the impression that if he had continued it would’ve gone something like this-- “And if you don’t hire me, I will hunt you down and take your firstborn.  Hire me now, on the spot, or I will destroy all of you!”  I think the board president, a female colonel, actually recoiled in fear at one point.  When he left, she looked at me and asked “Why was he so angry?  Is he always that intense?  And where can I get a smoke to calm my nerves?”

Nothing really bonds you like witnessing insanity together.  And, trust me, we witnessed a lot of it together from both staff and students.  This next event involved the single craziest officer candidate that I’ve ever seen come through AMS.  I wrote a whole blog about her previously. She quit, decided not to quit, accused me of throwing her out, decided to stay, and then quit again all in about 10 hours.  As she storms off for the final time, I tell another staff member to call the commander and get him down there so he can witness the insanity while my buddy and I chase her down.  We catch up to her and asked her if she really wants to quit.  She says yes so we start explaining the procedures to her.  She goes off again saying, “I’m a failure.  I’m a failure” because everything had to be said twice.  I’m not sure who she was trying to convince.  She had definitely failed at being rational.  As she’s chanting about her failure, I hear my sidekick come back with one of the best lines ever.  He says, “That’s neither here nor there right now, we just need you to sign the paperwork.”

And, finally, my all-time favorite Maj X story.  We used to get student critiques at the end of every week of training.  You can probably imagine what people write when they can do so anonymously and you’ve been yelling at them for 5 straight days.  Everybody on staff constantly griped about it and, yet, we couldn’t wait to get them every week.  You know, because every so often you got a classic like this:

-          “I was uncomfortable hearing Capt X correct a student in the bathroom with his gentals in his hand.”

A couple of things.  First, that’s an exact quote, not a typo.  The kid said “gentals”.  Secondly, you can read that a hundred times and not be clear on who’s gentals were in who’s hand.  I’m sure you can imagine the ridicule he took over that one.  After reading it, I vowed to never correct a student in the bathroom again.   

Good luck, my friend.  Gonna miss the laughs we shared together.