Is Your Briefcase Not Feeling So Brief?

You know how you have been doing something for a while and you reach that point where you think nothing can surprise you anymore?  You know, you’ve been around, you’ve dealt with all types of situations and you’re the grizzled veteran.  Well, I thought I reached that point at AMS.  I quickly learned how wrong I was.  There were still plenty of strange things to see.  

One particularly dark day in my AMS career, I completely lost my mind and fired the student wing commander.  Not really a smart move on my part given that he had been in charge for only about 24 hours.  The damage was done, though, so I pressed on.  On the bright side, I compensated for my first poor decision by making another one.  After all, consistency is the key to good leadership.  Anyway, I decided to promote a really sharp female to the wing commander job.  The only problem was that she had only been in the Air Force for 12 days and wasn’t really ready.  I’m sure someone told me this but I didn’t care.  I was on a roll.  I had confidence in her and figured I could help her if she needed it.  Unfortunately, neither of us was really prepared for what one of the OCs did.

The next Monday at lunch, the wing commander approached me.  “Sir,” she said, “we have an issue we need your help with.”  “You know,” I responded, “part of being a leader is being able to think for yourself and problem solve.”  I know, I know.  I sounded like an arrogant arse.  No need to judge me.  She pressed on.  “Sir, we think we may have a sexual harassment issue,” she stated.  Whoa!  We do not say the SH words in the AF.  “What happened?” I asked.  “One of the OCs in the wing sent out an email and a lot of people said it made them feel uncomfortable,” she said as she handed me a copy of it.  It went something like this:

“Is your briefcase not feeling so brief?  Are you feeling tired? Stressed? Overburdened? Wouldn’t a quick shoulder and neck massage do wonders for your morale?  No degree or license yet…but I would be willing to trade massages for someone folding my t-shirts”

Can you say creepy?  I felt like I needed a shower just from reading it.  And, um, yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s solicitation in most states.  My first instinct was to tell her it was a great leadership opportunity for her and to just handle it.  I mean, why break my string of great decision-making?  Speaking of which, what goes through someone’s head to make them sit down and type something like that?  Do you think he thought, “Wow, this is a great offer.  People will jump at this chance”?  Or maybe, “I’m sure no one will think this is weird.  Who doesn’t love a good massage?!”  Or maybe even, “I already have these massaging oils.  I might as well use them.”  Honestly, I have no idea what he was thinking.  I just know that he is now leading other people as they defend our freedoms.  It’s no wonder I never sleep.

How Legends Are Made

I’m constantly amazed at the various ways people respond when put under stress.  Some people perform better under intense scrutiny.  You can tell they feed off the pressure, increase their focus, and rise to the occasion.  And then there are officer candidates.

Not too long after we moved to Maxwell AFB, Alabama, OC Smithowith came through the program.  Crazy as a loon.  She probably had the single greatest day in the history of officer candidates.  In 6+ years at AMS, I carved out virtually no legacy.  In about 12 hours, she became an AMS legend.

It all started at a student change of command.  We had decided to put her in charge of her flight because she was struggling with the leadership concepts we were trying to teach.  In fact, her whole flight was underperforming and not working as a team.  To fix this, they were given “The Load”, a huge aircraft chock with about 10 rope handles on it.  Any time the flight moved, everyone’s hand had to be on “The Load” because it forced them to work together.  So right after the change of command, they were marching with “The Load” and heading to class.  I was marching with them so I could put some extra pressure on OC Smithowith and see how she handled it.  Let’s say not very well.

She passed by an officer, took her hand off the load, and saluted.  “You need to keep your hand on the load, even when you salute, “ I corrected her.  In a stunning display of boldness or idiocy, she again took her hand off the load, whirled toward me, threw both hands in the air and yelled, “I’m doing the best I can!  What do you want from me?!”  Uh-oh, this was about to get ugly.  I used my best overhead correction voice to gently encourage her to fall back in line.  She just continued to lose her mind.  At this point, I decided to pull her away from the rest of the flight and talk to her.  I motioned for the other major to join me.  I just had a feeling that I would need someone to cover my back.  So, we pulled her aside and tried to figure out what was wrong with her.  Maybe the pressure was too much and she just snapped.  Maybe she was just bat crap crazy.  The more we talked to her, the more the latter option seemed like the right one.

Despite our best efforts to calm her down, she stayed irrational.  She kept raising her voice and yelling, arms flailing everywhere.  All in plain sight of the rest of the wing.  This was a disaster.  If we didn’t handle this correctly, we could lose the whole wing.  Patience is not one of my virtues and I had heard enough.  I told her she was done and that I was going to personally make sure she got kicked out of the program.  At this, I walked away thinking that would be the last of the episode.  Uh, no, not yet.  She came running after me screaming, “I just need a second chance.  I just need a second chance.”  When I heard this, I was thinking “What, did we just break up?  Am I going to need a restraining order?”  Anyway, I told her she should have listened to me before and done what I told her.  Being a lunatic, she decides the best response is to argue even more.  She started ranting, “Nothing I do is good enough.  All the staff does is criticize and correct me.  I just need someone to tell me I’m doing okay.”  I responded that would come later in the program.  “Well, nobody told me that!” she shrieked.  My bad, I didn’t realize your crazy butt needed to be briefed on the staff training philosophy. Next time, have your therapist call me.  It’s no wonder I don’t like people.  Anyway, by now, it was lunch time so we had an MTI escort her to the dining facility.  On her way there, she stormed by several flight commanders, failed to salute, and screeched, “Are you happy now? You finally got what you wanted!”  See, that’s how you create a lasting impression. 

I finally made it back to my boss’s office to brief him on the events.  He had Smithowith write a statement.  She claimed she went nuts because “Maj Kallstrom had verbally kicked me out of AMS.”  Ultimately, he disagreed that we should just kick her out so she got her second chance.  When the OCs fell out for dinner, we informed her that she was back in charge.  “What?  I don’t want to be in charge,” she said.  “You have to be in charge.  It’s not optional.  This is a leadership program, “is how I actually responded.  In my mind, it went more like, “Listen, you insane lunatic.  No one here wants you to be in charge.  If you ever actually get commissioned none of us will ever be able to look at ourselves in the mirror again.  Why don’t you do us all a favor and just quit.  The only way people would ever follow you is out of morbid curiosity.  So shut the heck up, get out front and follow orders like I am.”  But somehow, I think she got the telepathic message I sent her.  She looked at me, took her hat off, and said those two beautiful words “I quit.”

Next thing I know, she’s storming off.  I tell another staff member to call the commander and get him down there so he can witness the insanity while we chase her down.  We catch up to her and asked her if she really wants to quit.  She says yes so we start explaining the procedures to her.  She goes off again saying, “I’m a failure.  I’m a failure” because everything had to be said twice.  I’m not sure who she was trying to convince.  She had definitely failed at being rational.  As she’s chanting about her failure, I hear my sidekick come back with one of the best lines ever.  He says, “That’s neither here nor there right now, we just need you to sign the paperwork.”

But wait, there’s more.  During her exit interview, she told one of the flight commanders that she "just wanted to fly and didn't realize the blood of terrorists would be on her hands."

And that’s how legends are made.

The Shower From…Well, You Know

As I mentioned before, I have some serious privacy issues.  For a long time at AMS, I was able to keep them under wraps.  The set up there was perfect for someone like me.  There were two private showers in our building so I was able to avoid using the open bay ones at the gym.  Through time, conversation, and observation, however, people started to realize my issues.   I knew this was not going to be good news for me. 

It started off harmless enough.  When I would leave the office, I would get the “Hey, major, where are you going?”  or “What were you doing downstairs?”  I knew it was just an effort to embarrass me.  And I knew the worst thing I could do was give them the satisfaction.  After all, that’s what I do to people all the time.  I wasn’t going to get beat at my own game.  So, I would just give them the ol’ “you’re a jerk” smile and go on about my business. 

When they realized it wasn’t working, they did what any good military operation would do—they increased their efforts.  Sergeant Thorny Flower seemed particularly dedicated to the mission.  He would come into the bathroom, tap on the shower curtain, and say in his gravelly, I-lived-in-east- Tennessee-all-my-life twang, “Sir, I have an update for you.  Mind if I step in and brief you?”  I would kick the shower curtain, lose my testimony for a few seconds, and tell him to get out.  He would laugh and then run like a little school girl back to the office to tell the others what he did.  So, I would get back to the office to a stream of people coming by to ask me how my shower was.  This kind of stuff continued for a while until Sergeant Thorny Flower finally got the best of me…albeit accidentally.

So, I’m in the shower after a workout and I hear Sergeant Thorny Flower come in the area.  We go through the normal routine and Thorny Flower gets in the other shower.  Perfect.  I’ll get out now and be dressed by the time he gets done.  If only it had been that easy.

As I’m sitting there in my shorts and t-shirt, Sergeant Thorny Flower throws back his shower curtain and says “Sir, I really need to brief you right away.” Before I can say anything, he takes a step toward me, obviously going for the max effect.  But, as he stepped forward, Thorny Flower slipped.  The next thing I know he is hurtling at me COMPLETELY NAKED.  All I see is flesh…hair…flesh…hair where it shouldn’t be…more flesh…more hair (seriously, can you say “manscaping”?)…and more flesh (at least I hope it was just flesh).  Then I realize there’s no way he’s gonna regain his balance and stop.  You know those movies where the meteorites are rocketing toward earth and there’s no way to stop it so all the people panic?  That’s how I felt.  And I didn’t have Will Smith to save me. 

I finally regained my senses and tried to move.  Too late.  Sergeant Thorny Flower landed right in my lap.  I started making some sound that was a cross between a horror movie scream and hyperventilating as I’m pushing him off me.  I honestly think I blacked out for a few seconds at this point.  I’m sure it was a defense mechanism.  Of course, Thorny Flower just laughed it off.  As for me, I’m still haunted by the image and I’m pretty sure I’m never going to feel clean again.