As I mentioned before, I have some serious privacy issues. For a long time at AMS, I was able to keep them under wraps. The set up there was perfect for someone like me. There were two private showers in our building so I was able to avoid using the open bay ones at the gym. Through time, conversation, and observation, however, people started to realize my issues. I knew this was not going to be good news for me.
It started off harmless enough. When I would leave the office, I would get the “Hey, major, where are you going?” or “What were you doing downstairs?” I knew it was just an effort to embarrass me. And I knew the worst thing I could do was give them the satisfaction. After all, that’s what I do to people all the time. I wasn’t going to get beat at my own game. So, I would just give them the ol’ “you’re a jerk” smile and go on about my business.
When they realized it wasn’t working, they did what any good military operation would do—they increased their efforts. Sergeant Thorny Flower seemed particularly dedicated to the mission. He would come into the bathroom, tap on the shower curtain, and say in his gravelly, I-lived-in-east- Tennessee-all-my-life twang, “Sir, I have an update for you. Mind if I step in and brief you?” I would kick the shower curtain, lose my testimony for a few seconds, and tell him to get out. He would laugh and then run like a little school girl back to the office to tell the others what he did. So, I would get back to the office to a stream of people coming by to ask me how my shower was. This kind of stuff continued for a while until Sergeant Thorny Flower finally got the best of me…albeit accidentally.
So, I’m in the shower after a workout and I hear Sergeant Thorny Flower come in the area. We go through the normal routine and Thorny Flower gets in the other shower. Perfect. I’ll get out now and be dressed by the time he gets done. If only it had been that easy.
As I’m sitting there in my shorts and t-shirt, Sergeant Thorny Flower throws back his shower curtain and says “Sir, I really need to brief you right away.” Before I can say anything, he takes a step toward me, obviously going for the max effect. But, as he stepped forward, Thorny Flower slipped. The next thing I know he is hurtling at me COMPLETELY NAKED. All I see is flesh…hair…flesh…hair where it shouldn’t be…more flesh…more hair (seriously, can you say “manscaping”?)…and more flesh (at least I hope it was just flesh). Then I realize there’s no way he’s gonna regain his balance and stop. You know those movies where the meteorites are rocketing toward earth and there’s no way to stop it so all the people panic? That’s how I felt. And I didn’t have Will Smith to save me.
I finally regained my senses and tried to move. Too late. Sergeant Thorny Flower landed right in my lap. I started making some sound that was a cross between a horror movie scream and hyperventilating as I’m pushing him off me. I honestly think I blacked out for a few seconds at this point. I’m sure it was a defense mechanism. Of course, Thorny Flower just laughed it off. As for me, I’m still haunted by the image and I’m pretty sure I’m never going to feel clean again.
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