Oh Crap!

So I like my privacy. I mean, I like it to the point of being neurotic about it. If I could, I would shower with my clothes on. And going to the bathroom, well, let's just say there are strict conditions that must be met. And if at all possible, I try to avoid playing away games. I don't know if I had a traumatic incident when I was a kid or if I'm just a freak. Either way, given that I'm in the military and have to be away from home at times, this issue means lots of wandering around looking for an empty bathroom.

As part of my job as an instructor, we had a field training exercise every class that required us to be gone for 3 days. After several trips to our training site in Georgia, I had figured out the best times to shower and use the restroom. Of course, no plan is perfect. So one morning I had just sat down when someone else walked in. Okay, no big deal I thought, maybe he just needs to pee. Then he walked into the stall beside me. Okay, okay, there's still a chance. Maybe he likes privacy too. Nope, he didn't care about privacy at all.

My first thought when he sat down was “Well, this ain’t happening.” After that, I just started having an internal debate with myself about whether to wait it out or leave. As I’m sorting through the pros and cons, I hear his phone ring. Every sane person just lets it go to voicemail in that situation, right? Not this guy. He answers the phone! I’m still baffled by this. What possible decision-making process do you go through that makes you think, “Yeah, even though I’m in stall 2 taking my morning constitutional, I should really answer this”? Look, I’m not saying I’ve never sent a text message while being indisposed. It happens. I get it. But answer the phone? That’s where I draw the line. To make matters worse, I recognize his voice and realize it’s my boss sitting beside me. The scales had definitely been tilted in favor of getting the heck out of there before something else weird happened. Too late.

As I started to formulate my exit plan, I heard my boss rattle off a series of “Yes, Ma’ams”. I then realized that he was talking to his boss, a very refined female Colonel. Are you kidding me? What in the world would she think if she knew he was talking to her from his current location? I thought my head was going to spontaneously combust. This was just too much for me to process. So I decided to just make a run for it and hope he didn’t realize it was me. I jumped up and started for the door. There was only one miscalculation in my master plan. The toilet had an automatic flush. And a loud one at that.

And that's the way I flushed my career down the toilet.