“Guess what your son just did.”

“Guess what your son just did.”  When those were the first words out of Kim’s mouth when I answered the phone, I knew it wasn’t going to be good.  Anyone who has kids knows that phrase is never followed by “He got straight A’s” or “He just said the sweetest thing.”  Nope, he did something bad and I was about to get the blame for it.

After running through various inappropriate responses in my head such as “My son?!  Pretty sure I saw you give birth to him.  Why don’t you say our son?! “ and “Listen, woman, everyone knows he’s a clone of you.  That apple didn’t even roll when it fell from the tree.  It's much more likely it's your fault than mine.  Don’t call me up blaming me for stuff he did.  I’m not even there!” I finally settled on, “What did he do, Baby?”  At least in my mind I brought it strong.

Anyway, the story goes something like this.  Kim was working from home and taking care of our two littlest ones.  Jack was around 2½  at the time and Annika was still an infant.  So, Kim is trying to finish doing the dishes while Annika was napping on the loveseat.  When Annika started to stir, she sent Jack over to watch/entertain her.  Through no fault of his own, Jack was in over his head.  Baby girl was screaming bloody murder.  By the way, this was not unusual.  My sweet little baby girl screamed pretty much nonstop from the moment she was born until about her first birthday.  Then one day, she just stopped and decided to be happy.  Been the sweetest kid in the world ever since.  Anyway, where were we?  Okay, so Kim is turbo washing the dishes so she can go rescue both Jack and Annika. Next thing she knows, our precious, rule following, sweet talking, and loving little man let’s his sister have it.  Evidently, he doesn't take screaming too well.  He bends over at the waist with his arms spread out wide and screams, “Annika, what the hell is your problem?!” 

Kim was mortified.  She broke out the “William Jackson Kallstrom!” If you’re a kid, there’s nothing worse than hearing your whole name.  I can’t ever remember hearing mine while growing up without it being followed by “You’re grounded” or “Go to your room and wait on your dad to get home.”  But since Jack was only 2, Kim tells him that we don’t talk like that and asks where he learned that kind of language.  At this point in the story, I’m thinking, “Crap!  I hope he told her he heard it on TV.  Then I can sound self-righteous and talk about how we need to guard his innocence.” It’s always easier to blame the decaying morals of our society and the filth they put on TV.  But, alas, it wasn’t meant to be.  We had already instilled in Jack to tell the truth.  And in an epic fail of man code, Jack says “That’s what I heard Daddy say to Emily last night.”  Done. Game over.  Last thing I remember hearing after that is “Richard Everett Kallstrom, Jr!  If you corrupt my son…” 

How Not to Get a Job, part deux

If you missed part I, you can read it here: http://the-rickter-scale.blogspot.com/2012/03/how-not-to-get-job.html

Like last time, these are actual responses from actual interviewees.

Question- “What can you tell us about the Academy of Military Science and why do you want to join us at this point in your career?”

Response #1 (female from somewhere I can’t remember)- “Ever since I went through Squadron Officer School, I thought it would be really cool and rewarding to be on the staff.  So when I saw this opportunity, I couldn’t pass it up.  Blah, blah, blah.”

-  We all looked at each other like, “Are you gonna tell her this is AMS, not SOS?”  Nope, I guess not.  How do you not even know what job you’re applying for?!  Speaking of which…

Question- “What can you tell us about the Academy of Military Science and why do you want to be a Military Training Leader at this point in your career?”

Response (male from Tennessee)- “Well, I’m really not even sure what a Military…what did you call it?...is.  I saw the ad and thought what the heck.  I’m kind of bored in the job I have now.  Once I figure out what you’re looking for, I could probably do it.”

-   To solidify his standing as a premiere candidate, this joker also showed up in the wrong uniform.  It’s a given when you interview for a military job that you wear service dress, even if they tell you to wear whatever you want. He chose to wear the worst Air Force uniform combo ever- BDUs with the green boots.   At least he did eventually uncross his legs while answering a question.

Question- “Why should we hire you?”

Response #1 (male from Alabama)- “You should hire me because I have great attention-to-detail.  I never miss the little things that others do.  It’s what separates me from other officers.  I think I can teach future officers the same level of attention and precision.”

-   Pretty good answer.  Well, it would have been a decent answer if the ribbons on his uniform had not been upside down.  And if his US insignias had been grounded like they were supposed to be rather than centered.  The thought was good, the execution, not so much.

    -  By the way, this is same person from part I that did not know
        who ran the air war in Iraq.

Response #2 (the rambling male on active duty)-  “I didn’t plan on leaving active duty.  I wanted to make it a career.  Everyone’s been telling me how good I am and then, next thing you know, I’m getting told I have to leave active duty because of the drawdown.  I thought I would be safe with my records but I wasn’t.  So, anyway, I have to be out in a few months.  I have a wife and two kids to support.  This seems like something I could do.  I mean, I really liked being a maintenance officer.  Bottom line, Daddy needs a J-O-B!”

-   Amazingly enough, this guy eventually got hired and was a productive member of the staff.  However, he never lived his classic responses down.  Even now, every time I apply for a job, I say “Daddy needs a J-O-B!”

Response #3 (male already on staff)- He leaned forward, got an intense look on his face, and boomed “Because I’m ready to lead today!!!  I don’t need to be trained!  I don’t need to spun up!  I’m ready to lead today!”

-   Seriously, the intensity and force he spoke with was shocking. You got the impression that if he had continued it would’ve gone something like this-- “And if you don’t hire me, I will hunt you down and take your firstborn.  Hire me now, on the spot, or I will destroy all of you!”  I think the board president, a female colonel, actually recoiled in fear at one point.  When he left, she looked at me and asked “Why was he so angry?  Is he always that intense?  And where can I get a smoke to calm my nerves?”

Response #4 (yours truly)- “It’s like I always say…”

-   That’s right.  I quoted myself during an interview.  Brilliant!  Could help explain why I’m going to retire as a major.  Haven’t lived that one down yet. 

Sometimes before the interview even gets started, things can go awry.  For instance, this is an actual exchange between a board president and a candidate:

Board president- “Do you have any questions before we start?”

Candidate- “No, Sir.”

Board president- “Okay.  Don’t be distracted if you see us writing during your answers.  We’re just trying to make notes of what you say.  Could be good, could be bad.  Ready?”

Candidate- (stunned looked, suddenly pale) “Ummm, sure, I guess.”

Here’s another one:

Board president- (long, long pause) “Tell us a little (long, long blink) about yourself?” (Another eternal blink)

Candidate- (Staring aimlessly into space, refusing to blink, not saying a word for a solid minute)

Me (inside my head)- Open your eyes…blink… open your eyes…blink…seriously, you’re both starting to weird me out…Is he asleep?...does she have some disorder where she can’t blink?…wonder if I could switch chairs before he opened his eyes and she blinked?...I would never get into a staring contest with her...Man, this is freaky…someday I’m gonna blog about all these crazy things.

How Not to Get a Job

During my time at AMS, I had the pleasure of sitting on numerous interview boards.  Actually, I wouldn’t say it was a “pleasure.”  Frankly, it was shocking how bad most people are at interviews.  On the bright side, it makes for great blog material.  These are actual responses from actual applicants.

Question- “Who is your favorite Icon of Airpower and how would you use their influence in training Officer Candidates?”

Response #1 (female from Alabama)- “Woo wee!  That’s a hard one!  I don’t really know much about Icons.  And, clearly, from my initial response of yelling woo wee in the middle of an interview, I’m never going to be one.  Wow, I sure wish I had paid better attention in school when we covered these.  I think I’ll phone a friend.”

-   Okay, I may have embellished that slightly…but not much. 

Response #2 (another female from Alabama)- After lots of stammering, “Well, I guess I would say Gen McKinley.  I mean, a few months ago he was a 3-star general, and now I read where he’s a 4-star general.  How did that happen?”

-   I believe the technical military term for it is a “promotion.”  But don’t worry, I don’t think it’s a concept you’re going to need to be familiar with.

Response #3 (male from Alabama)- “Um, well, I guess I would say the guy who ran the air war in Iraq.  I don’t know what his name is but, man, he had a lot of responsibility.”

-   Really?  You can’t just break out with Billy Mitchell?  Everyone in the Air Force knows if they get an asinine question like this to go with Billy Mitchell.

-  By the way, anyone else picking up on a trend?  I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

Question- “What is an area you’ve been told you need to improve since being commissioned?”

-   This is usually where you get all the humble bragging.  You get the standard responses of:

o   “I’m just too hard on myself.  I expect everything to be perfect.”

o   “I’m so dedicated to the mission that I have a hard time leaving work.”

-   Translation- I’m so good at what I do that I have to turn a positive into a negative so I can answer this question.  We got a much more honest answer this particular time.

Response (male on active duty)- “I’ve been told the men in my family ramble.  I don’t know, maybe we do.  I don’t think I ramble.  At least not usually.  Sometimes I get worked up and ramble some.  But that’s rare.  I usually just answer the question and move on.  Kinda depends on the question, you know?  Sometimes it takes longer to answer a question.  Sometimes you can get straight to the point.  Now, my dad, he definitely rambles.  If you ask him a question, it’s gonna take a while for him to answer.  Know what I mean?  He’s not one to get straight to the point.  He will go on and on and on.  So, again, I don’t think I do that.  I try to give clear and concise answers.  My granddad, he’s a lot like my dad.  He’ll ramble on for hours if you let him. ..”

-   This went on for 22 MINUTES!  Thank goodness it was phone interview so he couldn’t see our faces.  We finally had to cut him off because it was time for the next interview.  I’m gonna say he had not quite cracked that nut.  There was still work to do.

Speaking of rambling, I’ve gone on too long.  I think I’ll turn this into a 2-parter.  Check back next week for the next installment.